Self Love 101: Creating Healthy Boundaries
The most important relationship you have is your relationship with yourself. Like all relationships, this one requires nourishment and love, work and care. You might think prioritizing self-love and self-care feels selfish or unnecessary, but taking care of yourself is vital to your wellbeing.
Boundary-Setting: A Radical Act of Self-Love
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.
Let’s start with two quick questions:
First question: How much do you value yourself (on a scale from 1–10)?
Second question: How well do you set boundaries to prioritise your personal needs and well being (on a scale from 1–10)?
Chances are that if you score high on the first question, then you will possibly score high on the second. Similarly, if you score low on the first question, then you will probably also score low on the second.
Why? Because how you think about yourself often influences how well you assert your needs and establish boundaries to achieve them within a relationship.
Women, in general, tend to struggle more with setting healthy boundaries. Often there is an underlying fear of rejection or fear of being unloved if a boundary is set, which feels like it could easily threaten closeness. In order to avoid jeopardizing that closeness, many of us will sacrifice our feelings, needs, and wishes.
The problem with foregoing boundaries is that we invariably invite and tolerate mistreatment. We may not understand why we feel irritable, angry, sad, or resentful. Or, we may wonder why we’ve developed depression, insomnia or a shopping addiction. However, if we look more closely, we may see a consistent pattern of neglecting ourselves in an effort to appease others.
This can happen in any type of relationship: spousal, parent-child, between siblings, friends or co-workers. The more we are afraid to say, “No, that’s not okay,” the more permission we give the other person to continue behaving as they are.
If you’re thinking that setting a boundary will make you come across like a mean, selfish witch (like I was) — it won’t.
The choices we make define us, so we deserve to be confident in those decisions—No justification necessary. These are the things you should never feel obligated to explain to anyone.
You are under no obligation to explain your boundaries to anyone. Ever. No one has the right to ask you to bleed your pain and trauma across the table so they can judge its validity. Your boundaries are not subject to anyone’s understanding or approval.
1. Your peace
You do not owe anyone the sacrifice of your peace to accommodate their comfort. If something or someone causes you suffering you are not required to endure it simply because it’s the most convenient thing for everyone else. You must do what is right for your soul and your peace, and those who have your best interest would never expect anything else.
2. Your Body
This one goes without saying: NO ONE, not a lover, spouse, friend, family member, stranger, doctor, has the right to your body without your consent. Period. Your body, your choice, and you never deserve to be guilted for that choice.
3. Time
There are 24 hours in a day, and when you break that up into sleeping, working, and commuting very few of our hours belong to us. Time truly is a gift. In a literal sense carving out time for someone is offering them up moments of your fleeting life that you can never get back. You don’t owe such a precious, non-renewable resource to people who constantly leave you feeling deflated. And you don’t owe your time to people who don’t respect or value it.
How you love yourself is how you teach others to respect your boundaries.
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